This is going to be a bit of a rambling post because I've got a hundred thoughts going through my mind and I want to get them all down and then possibly see if I can sort them into a logical "post-quality" order. It may not happen. You have been warned.
Firstly, despite my blog post title, I friggin' love my blog. I've now been blogging for a full 2 years. That sounds crazy because I only started it when we first moved in our house, to document what we were doing on it and to provide an outlet for all my crazy decorating obsessions. I never in a million years assumed anyone would actually come and read it. The fact that I have readers in the hundreds coming by every single day fascinates me, humbles me, and scares the living shit out of me.
That said, if you are a blogger, you probably know this already: Blogging is hard bloody work. It takes a certain level of commitment. I sometimes feel like I have a part-time job for the amount of hours that even 2 or 3 posts a week seem to take. There are also the growing pressures you place on yourself as your blog grows - the rigorous schedules you adhere to, the guilt you feel if you miss a post or two, the forward planning of organising guest posters if you dare to take a week or two off... and I haven't even covered visiting and commenting on other blogs which I try so hard to keep up with but experience crushing guilt when I've failed yet another week and my blog reader says I've got 435 posts still to read.
Why do we do it? Because we love blogging, we love our readers, we love the blogging community. Simple as that.
So where the heck am I going with this? Well, it was my bank balance that alerted me to it. Actually, I lie, it was the ATM telling me I had insufficient funds to withdrawal from my account. I wasn't withdrawing a huge amount, mind you. A sensible amount to pay for something that I had needed - not wanted, needed. And the money wasn't there. Shit.
I went home and had a look at my bank account. Aside from my normal bills, petrol, and the very odd night out, most every penny I spend goes on this house. And it seems I've been spending more money than usual. Whoops.
I had to ask myself why.
I know its partially from my self-imposed blogging schedule. I had decided ages ago that I wanted to be able to post a project a week. This blog is about DIY and about the progress made on decorating a house - I couldn't and didn't feel right about only blogging pretty pictures found on the web. I wanted exclusive content, I wanted to share my own story, my own home, my own projects, my own ideas.
And I have pretty much done that for a while now, I've built that momentum as well of getting things done and starting immediately on the next thing. Hell, sometimes not even finishing one thing before I'm starting on the next thing. And in order to maintain that momentum, I've been spending money. More money than what I should have been.
The last 3 days I have spent with a steamer in one hand and a scraper in the other trying to get the woodchip wallpaper off the dressing room walls. All the while, W has been down in the cellar plastering. My home at the moment, is in complete chaos with the contents of my dressing room divvied up between three different rooms, my kitchen floor strewn with footprints and a back deck slowly filling with all sorts of plastering paraphernalia. I haven't had the time to really relax on my week off or stop to clean my house or even decide what wallpaper I want in my dressing room because I've got this self-imposed deadline in my head when I want - no HAVE - to share it on the blog. ASAP.
What the f**k?! Am I doing projects to fuel the blog? Or am I blogging to share my projects? The lines have become very blurred of late. I tell myself I can't possibly show you the dressing room again this week with just another layer of crap removed from it and a pile of sweaty, sticky paper on the floor. I want to show off pretty. But pretty doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen in a week. It doesn't even happen every week.
At the moment, here are the things I have going on that aren't ready to share on the blog:
1. I have a dressing room that's waiting to be finished and 2 bookcases to be delivered tomorrow.
2. I have a headboard being made which I am awaiting with baited breath but also hoping it won't be finished until next month seeing as I have no money in my account to finish paying for it.
3. W is working tirelessly to finish up the cellar but at the moment, it is no where near being completed.
4. We just purchased a new cooker to be installed on Saturday.
5. I'm working on a blog redesign which doesn't seem to be getting off it's feet at the minute but we're trying.
In the midst of this, I'm wondering what I'm going to post about as none of the above are blog-ready. So I purchase spray paint for another project in the hallway, a new clock for the kitchen, some new design books, a walking foo dog, an eBay lamp for the bedroom and a lamp shade I'm having second thoughts about... I've also got my eye out for a chest of drawers for the bedroom, a pair of chairs that won't cost the earth to recover for the living room, I added some prints to the living room, another addition to the dining room gallery wall - all these things I haven't blogged about yet. All of these things which have cost me money.
I need to get a grip. I need to slow down. I need to actually enjoy the things we've already done without thinking about the NEXT POST.
This is kind of how I'm feeling lately. Ok, just not as cute.
So... what does this mean? I'm not - I repeat NOT - abandoning the blog. I love this blog and intend to keep it whether I have 500 readers or just 5. But I'm taking the pressure off. I'm not going to worry that I'm a 'bad blogger' or I'll lose readers or Google won't like me if I don't stick to a pre-agreed schedule. I'm not going to feel weird about posting twice in one day and then not again for 3. I'm just going to stop stressing out about it all.
It's summer - okay you wouldn't know it considering the weather but - I want to enjoy the little bit of nice weather here and there or sit and watch a film with my boyfriend and not worry that it's BLOGGING NIGHT AND I'M NOT TO BE DISTURBED.
I just need to chill.
That's okay right?